Sunday, February 12, 2012

Hopeless Place

"Love doesn't die because of distance. It dies because of doubt."

I don’t need Joe d’Mango to help me with this one. Nor do I need to talk to a friend to lend credence that long distance relationship still survives mountains and seas. It had happened before, more than twice. Too much isn't it? Too much that I no longer believe relationship of this kind would work. I was naïve then, thought it's just how it’s meant to be. I was wrong. Truth is, it’s just the way it is.

It was the longest goodbye I had ever cried. Her two hands couldn’t stop the tears flowing incessantly from my face down to the white pillows where our heads both rested. Eye to eye, cheek to cheek, heart to heart.

“why do you have to leave?”
“this is for my family’s future, this is for our future.”

I still couldn’t get it. After hundreds of explaining, I still couldn’t get it. I am smart, everyone knows, but this time, I was the dumbest of them all. I couldn’t feel the kiss. All I could sense was the future. I was taken aback by thoughts of tomorrow being alone, being far away, neglected and left behind.Then she kissed me goodnight for one last time, with eternal assurance that she’d be back and I just needed to hold on. I thought it's gonna be easy. I was wrong. It was much easier. I don’t know if it’s a guy thing, but in a month’s time. I have decided to be free and ready to mingle. Don't ask why. I have loved but..

Then here I go again, I thought ships are only for men. Another shot at love. But what came to soon had gone too soon. Lying together underneath the white blanket in that cold mirror filled room, I have found myself again in a familiar situation. One last night, she had to leave. Still I haven’t got it but didn’t hurt anymore. There are things far important than relationships, the future, the family. Guess I was not the future, I wasn’t the family. Or guess maybe, it wasn't love afterall.

Two years had passed and it's my turn to defend a place I have vehemently despised not so long ago. In a cold dimmed lighted room where I have been lying in bed with both hands surrendered underneath my head, I could see her sitting in front of the dresser and in between soft sobs, asking me why I had to leave. After hundreds of explaining, still she couldn’t get it. Now that I have fully comprehended how it felt to leave your loved ones to work abroad, on the other side of the rope, someone’s getting imprudent and mindless, something that I wholeheartedly understand. I knew certainly where it would lead to. I had hoped not.

Love is not a signal that dwindles when those whose feeling it are situated miles apart. Above all else, love is feeling, a mutual commitment between two people to be together. When physical separation leads to eventual break-up of the relationship, it only means that some people are not ready to pledge their lives for another or to spend their lives forever with another individual. While distance may factor in somebody looking for ways to fulfill certain needs and the difficulty resisting temptations, what cause the greater ambivalence is actually the lack of trust, constant communication and emotional guarantee.

It is hard to speak in behalf of the general. If some people who are even together for most of their lives end up in bitter separation, how much more for people who are miles apart from each other. I am not saying distance is a hopeless place to be in, but it’s oftentimes what cultivates the ground for people to grow apart and for their feelings to fade slowly and eventually die down. True love, of course, is an exception. I’ve been through love at space and time, just hoping next time it knocks at my door, I will stay and never leave halfway around the globe.


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