Saturday, July 2, 2011

Four Scenes of Loneliness

3 days and 4 nights of drama..

The long weekend is almost over. As I check through Facebook, everyone is busy updating and uploading pictures of how they have happily spent their three days off. Plenty have gone to see Transformers. Others have bonded together in picnic parks. Many have frolicked in the warm waters in the beach and indoor pools. Some have watched the PBA Games. Some have enjoyed the traditional bar hopping. Some have gone into road trips to as far as RAK and Fujairah while the rest have contented themselves with casual malling, dining and (window) shopping. It seems the three days gone wouldn't suffice for others to do the things they want to enjoy.

While everyone else couldn't contain their happiness, just the same, I couldn't contain my hurt. I am HACKED. Yes, I am by bitterness, by angst, my disappointment, by frustrations and by old feelings haunting me down from the grave. I couldn't see any happy moments and my heart couldn't seem to move forward from a painful past. People always run me down, use, abuse and leave me behind. The people that I had helped, it time that I needed back the favor couldn't do so much. Just like that. Now I know why I have always wanted to be alone and friend-free, so that I could shield my heart from getting hurt and from always being taken for granted. In this world, you can never really trust anyone.

So I have spent the days in my room and like it was meant to be a series of unfortunate events. My TFC subscription was cut off Thursday morning as I have forgotten to pay the dues. Inside my room, there was an ambiance like bad spirits moving around in conspiracy to depress and make me feel suicidal. I tried to see things around to enliven my attention. There was nothing much to see. Everything was hidden and neatly arranged. The only mess that has drawn my thoughts were the empty bottles of mineral water atop the television drawer, sort of reminding me that if even the basic of necessity doesn't come free in Dubai, how much more it is to find people whom you can trust and love.

Since Thursday morning, I have been eating spaghetti that I cooked the night before. Usually, in my family back home, we only cook spaghetti when there is special occassion. Here in Dubai, I actually cook spaghetti once a week, it's a complete meal that lasts for days when refrigerated. It was my mother who taught me how to cook spaghetti. Yesterday, I called her up to confirm if they have received my padala. But honestly, I just wanted to hear their voices, sometimes inaudible but filled with glee and excitement. In times that I was so down, home is the only place where I get the strenght to carry on.
I have made an attempt to actually see someone last night but it turned out to be an evening of unsolicited penitence. I have braved through widespread sandstorm and up until now I am feeling the dust I inhaled and it's giving me that fragmented disoriented feeling. For hours I have waited outside of a building in day temparature, only to find out that I was waiting in vain. Heading home, I walked the longest walk I could take as I thought of how my sanity have come out of hand. My mind was into places far from where I physically was. It was another lonesome, tiring and failed shot at something I should have learned from a couple of paragraphs back. I was born to be alone.


  1. ife is like a wheel, maybe that's the same feeling that your friends had experienced, when they reached out to you and you don't pay attention . . . maybe you should think what have you done in the past to be able to know the real reason . . . be thankful that you are still here and can ammend whatever wrongdoings you've done to people around you . . . think and contemplate . . . everything has a reason

  2. i feel for you. but with such great talent as yours, just continue believing and you'll reach places. cheer up!

  3. @Anonymous

    you're right anonymous. i admit that. and thats how we learn. getting things that we used to give. if we give bad things, we get bad things. hmmm. 100 days to heaven..swerte ko na lang buhay pa ko. kung isa ka man don sa nasaktan ko, sorry...

  4. @Anonymous

    thanks another anonymous.. as we grow older, we come to realize more about our life. thanks!

  5. i honestly do not know what to say...if i am a friend, i would honestly just listen to you and would feel the way you feel - which i did/had when i read your post. but i am not your friend. still, i've read your post. still, i felt what you felt. you probably do not have to be friend-free. you just have to break free of your expectation of friendship.
    if it helps, i could hear you out.

  6. sam, so you're also watching 100 days to heaven, i like that teleserye, but unlike you, am not a kapamilya fanatics, just loved the series and got stuck to it. it touches the heart and reaches the soul, and you will be able to relate on some scenes as we experienced it with our everydays life . . . kudos to the scriptwriter, i love it, and will continue loving it . . . though am a kapuso follower. anyways, we've all moved on and hope the we will all be happy and contented with the lives we are having right now, will just have to follow you on all your writings . . . we might one day meet and cross each others path . . . be thankful with what you have right now, i will always be a friend forever

  7. Okay lang yan my friend... sometime nakakafeel tayo ng emptiness sa sarili natin. Then, one day paggising natin.. meron na tyong realization in life.... Just keep on praying... ask the enlightenment that you need... God Bless....

    hope we can exchange link and follower... thank's

  8. sad.......i'm here in Dubai too!i admit that i was one of those who have watched Transformers!

    hmmm....i feel you...had the same situation..siguro tulad din sa song ni lady gaga..i was born this way...

    melancholic sentimental fool...ek-ek!

    i spend most of my time reading and blogging..di ko feel manood ng tv madalas kasi bad news..

    i'm just a click away if you needed someone..i can lend you my ears!

  9. @marvin

    thanks for hearing me out and thanks for the FB add marvs!

  10. @diarynigracia

    hi gracia, thanks for dropping by, i added you already. yap i believe you, ang buhay parang weather lang, minsan may tropical depression, madalas good weather naman.

  11. @iya_khin

    hi there iyakin, buti ka pa napanuod muna t3, ako ewan kung kelan.

    sentimental fool din ako minsan, pero sabi nila, bipolar disease daw yun sa akin, lol

    pasasaan ba at matutuloy din ang eyeball natin hehehe.

  12. @Anonymous

    always be a friend, i will count on that. surely our paths will cross again, maliit lang naman ang mundo, that time, baka makapag sorry na ko seo ng personal. yngat palagi..

  13. happy birthday nga pala sherwin . . . hope you will really have a good time . . . more blessings to come . . . and may you find the real peace and happiness you're longing for so long a time . . . ingats ka din lagi

    your friend forever

  14. 4 scenes of loneliness. Sana soon may bagong post about the change of season from you.Ganon pa man ang galing ng pagkakasulat mo. Kung kaya mong gawin ng ganyang kaganda ang iyong pagsulat Kaya mong baguhin ang kahit na ano para sayo.

  15. what a profound and poignant blog post.. hope you are feeling better now..

  16. teka bago ko magcomment I was wondering sino si anonymouse hehehe bakit di pakilala but it seems kilala ka ni duboy?

    O cge serious na pinapatawa lng kita ganyan ako last week parang engeng kakaisip kung anong problem kahit wala naman, ang ginawa ko nag-out of town kami ng family at ang pasaway na nanay na tulad ko ay sumakay magisa sa formula rossa, isinigaw ko lahat ng nararamdaman ko kada laglag ng roller coaster ride kaya ayun nahimasmasan ako sa kalokahan ko, ngayon happy na ulit.

    minsan din kasi we have to let go and let God. diba?

  17. tama is iya_khin dito lang kami sa Dubay