Friday, April 23, 2010

Love of a Father

If there is one person in the world that I owe much of my life, it's gonna be my father. Though I barely recognize that fact by paying gratitude, deep in my heart I know I owe this guy big time, that without him, I wouldn't be here either. I am not the showy type, not even to my mother whom I am little closer. My childhood orientation preventes me from opening up even to my own parents. But that doesn't change anything, I know I am here because of them, not by chance but by choice and that the gratitude that I need to pay isn't something measurable and quantifiable.

When I started working, I assumed the responsibility of providing for all my family's needs. I was young then and I felt it too heavy to carry. I have to work doubly hard and my heart has turned to stone. Since then I have not spoken to my family as I used to do. I thought there wasn't much to talk about except that I need to earn. I had become materialistic. I thought that money is he only thing that my family needs and I have to make money, money for food, money for bills, money for clothes, money for grocery, money for everything. I blamed my father for everything that I had to do. He relinquished his duties which is too big and too soon.

I love my father, though there are circumstances when I feel bad about him, like when he smokes and gets drunk. Those things are fleeting and at the end of the day, I know he's still my father no matter what. My father loves me too, although we don't have any similarity except our diminishing hairline. Nonetheless, he has been good to me. I might not have inherited his good looks, but my wit and storytelling skills are undeniably two things he had passed me with.

It was him who feels proudest of my achievements; just the same, he carried my frustrations whenever I would lose my job or go home empty handed. He has never dictated me anything to do, he could only hoped for the best for things that he has never been given. He was very supportive. During my elementary days he would always escort me onstage to receive my medals during recognition. He wasn't the social type, but he would attend to the school every time it would call for a PTA meeting. He has not done that to my other siblings.

When I was younger and was starting to ride the bike, a neighbor's dog attacked me causing me to fell off the bike and bruised myself. My father saw all that and he hurried to help me. Then picked up the biggest stone he could get and he hit the canine, he was fuming and ready to kill the dog. The bruise soon healed but that moment I forever remembered.

When I was reviewing for the board exam, a month before the actual take, I lost my month's allowance to a knee high flood in San Juan where I was living back then. After the incident, I went back to the province and I told them what happened. Sadly I decided not to pursue my review anymore because I have not left anything more to spend. Hours later, my father gave me back the amount that I have lost, without even telling me where he borrowed that amount, he told me to go back to Manila and assumed that nothing tragic has really ever happened. In a month's time, I was a Certified Public Accountant.

There were still more wonderful things that my father has done to me, but they need not be mentioned for every father would have wanted only the best for their sons and daughters. My father terribly loves to drink with his circle of friends. When ho does, he would always make mention about my achievements, usually overboard and exaggerated. I get so irritated when he does that, but I realize it is his own way of telling everyone how proud he is for having me as a son, for having fulfilled a dream that he could only dreamed of.

Now my father is old but still I haven't tried to reach out. I am just too timid and awkward to ask him how he is and how has it been. I know he is tired of seeing me getting tired, but he wouldn't show it. I know he feels for my frustrations but he just won’t let me know it. He knows that if he does, it would just add up to my burden. Sometimes I would like to look into his eyes and say sorry for all my shortcomings and disregards. I could only pray to God that he be given more years to live so that I can make up for all my misses.

It's my father's birthday on the 27th. Wish I could say what my heart needs to say to my beloved father on this special day.

1 comment:

  1. Oslek, di ko binasa ang entry na ito yet i am leaviing a comment, the title says this article will only make me cry knowing that my dad past away 10 years ago, every bit of his memory left in me makes me feel that i want him alive and beside me. Do something special for your dad everyday!