Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Guilt of a Lonely and Peaceful Man

I've never been guilty of any crime. I have never been convicted of nay wrong doing against somebody else's will. I am not a troublesome person that is why I hate watching boxing. Since I was a kid, I have never been involved in any trouble much less to have initiated one. Trouble is one thing that I fear more than I hate. I am a peaceful man and my fascination for a riot free environment has delivered me to a congenital solitary confinement, to a place alone, where trouble will never begin and peace will never end.

I grew up believing that peace emanates from avoiding people. That the only way to live a peaceful life is to stay away from people, its opportunist character, its blinding hatred, its irrational jealousy, its slap judgement, its nature. That is how I have found my inner peace, one that is allergic of people, self dependent and not used to being loved. The affection that I have known is one that is not selfless, wisdom that transcends the boundaries of libraries yet a heart that knows not how to beat for others.

But people are people who needs people. I am not. The more I veer away, the more they're drawn to my lack of sensitivity. I am a self made achiever, affections are the least that I need in this world. It's good to be loved, they say. I believe otherwise. Oops, don't throw me tomatoes, I have to change my line. It's good to be loved. I hope to believe so. I cannot disagree with something that I haven't tried myself.

Peace that turn blind to love and life. That's mine to keep and for others to suffer. For the longest time, I have denied myself the opportunity to love and be loved back. I am afraid that if I open my doors, peace would be shattered and it would be difficult to pick up my pieces. So I just leave it locked up. The world will not miss me anyway.

I know that by being myself I am doing my share of keeping peace in this world. To me it appears, I have done fair enough. To others, I might seem to be a selfish little bastard misguided by a severe case of self induced paranoia. Well, I couldn't blame them, but haven't our parents told us when we were young to stay away from trouble? I've never been guilty of any crime. I have never been convicted of any wrong doing against somebody else's will. I am a peaceful person. I could be a man of talent, humor and wit but not necessarily the best judge of my own interest, love in particular.


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