I'll Be

When it is about my mother, I could cry a bucket with the slightest provocation - just a mere thought or sight of the smallest thing that would remind me of her. That is how dear she is to me. Though many would certainly doubt the sincerity of my words, I know nonetheless deep in my heart what she is to me - without her, I would have died long ago or even if I choose to have lived, it would be one life without guidance and reasons. Not because it's Mother's Day that I am writing this entry, quite frankly lately, I have been missing my mother - so much and with so much pain

It takes some courage for someone like me to admit that I am such a crybaby. Believe it, the toughie on the outside is from the inside soft as a roll of tissue paper that more often than not, gets overwhelmed by his tears and fears. There has been a lot of reasons that's dragging me down these days - tons heavier that what I am supposed to bear - without my dreams, without my family, without my mother, I would have given up long ago. It is because of her that I keep holding on. There is no single night when I go to bed that I don't think of her. I feel sorry for myself and sorry for her. I couldn't help it. That's all I can do for now. Imagine. Cry. Pray.

If not to completely vanquish me out of my human character, things are just about to get worst. Surely if I don't get ahead of all these conceivable forms of bad luck that's plaguing me, I don't know anymore what's going to happen to me. I aint got a job, aint got a home, I aint got money, I'm miles away from home, schools opening next month, loans are becoming due, my eyes are growing old with tears as age takes its toll. My family is a waiting. I am their hope. I could bear all the pains but it pains me to see that someone else is suffering beyond my own helplessness. When I think of my mother - it makes me weak and crushed to the soul. But in a few seconds I realize that I need to fight even harder.

My mother relationship with me isn't one that's sweet and cute. No words have to be uttered just to prove what's inside our hearts. The ties that bond us isn't made up of roses or chocolates, but of responsibilities and gratitude that shaped the persons that we are today. Her instinct when I am feeling down and sick is strong that she could feel it herself. When I was still in Manila and one time I suffered a very high fever from a swollen throat, my mother, through her gut feel she told my sister to call me up as she said she was suddenly struck by a thought that I wasn't fine. The moment that she has spoken to me, I felt that half of my pain was instantly relieved. I haven't been getting some decent sleep lately, with incessant tears always and constantly kissing me goodnight. I wonder how she has been doing lately, too.

My mother has brought me up in a way that I could only be forever grateful for. There were some absences and misses too but overall hers was a terribly good job. When I was growing up, I only had a simple dream, that is to help my family get out of poverty. I didn't make a promise. Naturally I felt that I just have to do that by all means possible. Now that I couldn't fulfill that, I just felt so scared. Sometimes when I go to bed, I was wishing to just die quietly in my dreams. But how can I do that? When each time that I have to close my eyes, the last thing on my mind is the thought of my mother, thinking of me in the same way that I do.

Truth to behold but it only takes one person to drive my life. The last time that I have spoken to my mother was two weeks ago, barely after six months of not telling her if was still alive or dead decomposed in the desert. She was crying with her first words and I was, after her last. She was so close to me that though we're talking over the celfone, I could felt her heart beating in bliss. I told her that I have nothing right now. "You have us.", she replied and I was gain in tears for the nth time. She's worried I know. And I don't have to know that just to inspire me to act and move on. I am getting there. No one else will be there for my family except me and I am going to make our dreams come true by all means. They are counting on me. Their hope. I'll be.